Loss.

(Written in September.)

"How are you feelling?"
"How are you doing?"

When people ask me these questions they don't really wants to know how I "feel". They don't know what to say, quite frankly I'm sure I make them uncomfortable when I do speak out about Izzie and how it "feels". I don't know if its that they simply don't know how to respond or they simply can't open themselves to listen. 

What some don't understand is that I need to talk about her, that is how I feel close to her. I can't reach over and hug my almost 6 week old daughter, instead I talk about her and remember her, think about her. People are right that losing a child is unimaginable. That the pain is unspeakable. However, there is a difference in losing a child you held that was breathing, that you watched grow and a stillborn, and even more so in a miscarriage. I am sick and so angry hearing about people that have had one or even 6 miscarriages say that they know what it is like to lose a child. I'm sorry if this offends some people, but you have no idea what it is like. What you feel during a miscarriage is frustration, sadness sure, but it is nothing compared to losing the child you felt kick, that you named, that you prepared to be born. Losing a child at 10 weeks is different than at 32 weeks, or even 20 weeks. Even worse yet, losing the child that actually used to sleep in their crib and was completely healthy until they just didn't wake up, or passed away in a horrific car accident. 

No one knows what it is like to be a "loss mom" or a "loss parent". Imagine how you would feel and multiply it by a million, then take that number and multiply it by the largest number you can think of and you still can't come close. 

Jake was telling me how he felt last weekend. That's when I realized that him and I don't feel the same way, we're on different sides of the fence. I had asked him about hanging a picture of Izzie in our room, just for us, so if others don't want to see her they don't have too. This way though we have her. 

He said pictures are for people that you knew, that you met. 

Well that was a slap in the face. I knew Izzie, I know her still, but I am the ONLY person that does. I may not know her voice, what color her eyes are, if she had my smile or Jake's...But I know the only "life" she had.

Jake tried to explain how guilty he felt, like he didn't take care of me well enough, and he didn't protect Izzie. He told me how guilty he felt for taking my pregnancy for granted, why didn't he need to feel kicks if he was going to be holding her in 9 short months? He feels empty because he feels he took her for granted. 

How do I explain to him that he is feeling "normal"? I can't. 

I never realized all the loss that is out there until now. These women, well US women, aren't "allowed" to talk about our babies, our children. It's too scary. 

Thank you to those that let me, and other loss parents, talk about their children. Even if we tell the same story over and over, even if we cry, or make you cry. You are helping us heal. You help us try to work through our complicated feelings and thoughts. 

Thank you.