I am.

Every day I look in the mirror and every day I don't really recognize the person looking back at me. I have changed. I am broken and will always have a deep scar, empty, gaping hole that should be where my LIVING Izzie should be. I am a loss mom.
Every day I look at my body and see the aftermath of a pregnancy, 9 months of carry my child I never got to bring home. Now, I am "fixing" my body, trying to lose the weight, tighten back up, heal. All while knowing that every sit up, push up, squat I do isn't going to erase the scars that Izzie left for me.

I struggle. And balance on this rope somewhere between "doing fine" and "falling down.."
I am strong. I am not weak. I do not and will not give in this dark depression that consumes people, even if it is the easier option. I am strong because I gave birth to two beautiful girls. I am not weak because I used pain medications to get through those labors. I am strong because I can smile, laugh and watch my first daughter grow and learn while waiting for the day to finally meet my second. I am not weak because I will have more children and not live in fear. I am strong because Jake is my strength. I am strong because Rory needs me to be. I am strong because Izzie wants me to be. I am strong because I have to be. I am not weak, because it isn't an option to fall apart.

I am a good mother. I am not a bad mother. I am a good mother that I make time for BOTH my girls every day. I am not a bad mother because I let Rory eat goldfish and cereal for dinner. I am a good mother because I know what it means to want to die so your child can live. I am not a bad mother for wanting to somehow be with both kids. I am a good mother. I am the best mother for my girls. I will be a good mother to future kids. 

I am Rita. I am loud, obnoxious, stubborn, smart, and funny. I am manic, angry, hurt, broken and sad. I am compassionate, caring, loving, maternal, creative. I am blunt, upfront, jealous. I am lost and found. I am loved. I am cared about. I am thought of. I am still me. 

I am more than just "Rory's mom", "Izzie's mom", a "loss mom", Jake's girlfriend", "so&so's friend"....I am me. I have a purpose. I have a reason for being here, just as Izzie has a reason for not being here. 

I have decided to love myself. 
I have decided to forgive myself. 



Please love yourself. If you don't - who will?


You are beautiful.
You are smart. 
You are kind. 
You are worthy. 
You are talented. 
You are loved. 
You are cared about. 
You are awesome. 
You are unique.
You have a story people want to hear.