I have one story I need to share and then there will be countless more. My first is the story of my daughter, Isabel "Izzie" Grace. I found out we were expecting our second child on December 5, 2012, it was early on, literally two weeks after conception. I was having morning sickness and was insanely tired, Jake told me to take a test because he just knew. We were so anxious and excited, life was about to change and we were giving our first child, Rory, a sibling!
I should add that Rory is just about turn 2, her birthday is August 12th. I was terrified at the idea of having two daughters so close in age. On top of that Izzie's due date was August 16th. So depending when she was born they could share a birthday or have them right next to each other (perfect....).
The rest of my pregnancy developed normally, except that Miss Izzie was a lazy, lazy baby. She never passed a kick count - ever. My OB ensured me that as long as she was consistent with her movements and counts, she is just a less active child (Rory was a crazy dancing monkey, polar opposites).
Everything, my entire life, our life, changed on July 30, 2013. I woke up that morning having contractions and just feeling "off". Jake assumed we were having a baby and was so excited. About mid-morning I called my mom and asked if she would come up and sit with Rory and I since I wasn't feeling well. When she got to our house I told her how crappy I felt and that I hadn't felt Izzie move in a while. Rory was exceptionally needy that day and needed to be close to me so it was until 4:30pm that I finally called the hospital to ask to come in and be monitored.
At 5:00pm I arrived to the labor and delivery department and got myself in the gown and comfortable on the bed. My friend, Becky arrived shortly after and sat with me. At this point I convinced myself all was fine and I would be laughing about this later. The nurse came in to start the monitors and hook everything up, that starts with finding a heartbeat. I rolled from side to side, to my back, back to my side - all they could pick up was my heart.
Another nurse came in at about 5:15pm. I was getting anxious and felt sick to my stomach. She right away picked up a heartbeat! She took my pulse to be sure, it again, was my heart. They told me the doctor was coming in to do an ultrasound to see what was going on. I already knew, I think I knew all day. Becky came and held my hand as we both held on to all the hope and faith we could.
5:35pm the on-call OB doctor came in and started the ultrasound, I saw a still baby, my still baby not moving, not breathing, just still. Izzie was gone. The doctor officially told me at 5:38pm that my perfect beautiful daughter was no longer with us. "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" is actually what he said.
I don't think saying "I broke down" or "I cried hysterically" can even cover the the heart wrenching pain that went through me. I felt a piece of my heart, the piece that Isabel Grace, my daughter held, ripped out of me.
The next couple hours were a blur, a blur I can and will replay over and over again. I am not the type or person that falls apart and stays broken. I try to heal and pick up the pieces, try to find answers to my questions and that is all I could do until Jake got to the hospital and held me. I started asking a million questions "where do we go from here?", "how can we find out what happened?", "what are my options?", and a million more.Before Jake arrived, I decided to run every test they offered and not to wait. Thankfully Becky worked at the hospital and helped keep the traffic to my room to a minimum, she drew my blood and held my hand as I made phone calls to my mom and Jake. My mom arrived about a quarter after 6:00pm. Jake was still over an hour away. Ashley, one of my greatest friends, came to the hospital about 6:45pm. Jake still had no idea we lost our daughter.
The doctor came in and told me the amniocentesis was ready and explained the procedure, but before that we had to verify again that Izzie was truly gone. They need two physicians to verify that life is gone. I warned my mom and Ashley not to watch the ultrasound, being the stubborn women they are, they didn't listen. I watched as they seen what I did and tried to pray a miracle into this little baby inside me.
Once the ultrasound was complete, the doctor jumped right into setting up the amino and walked me through it. For those that have never had an amino - it's not horrible, but it definitely isn't comfortable having a needle inserted into your stomach. If you ever need to have one don't watch and remember to breathe. The amino didn't take long maybe ten minutes? I needed a break after all that to wait for Jake and talk to him. The next step was going to be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life and in our life together.
Jake made it to the hospital at about 7:30pm. He knew at this point, he insisted I tell him what was happening. When he walked into the hospital room, it all became real and I knew that he was going to pull us through this. I explained everything we had done so far, all he could ask was "are they sure?"
The doctor came in to talk to Jake to ask if we were ready to start induction. Jake became protective explaining to the doctor that I was on pitocin for my labor with Rory and it lasted over 2 days, he didn't want that for me again. (I love this man.) The doctor explained that they really advise against doing c-sections in these situations since the recovery is going to be hard enough, having to recover from a c-section too was only going to make it harder. We understood and continued with the pitocin.
Everyone left at this point, Becky needed to sleep, my Mom and Ashley went to our home and took down the nursery for us, including repainting. We met with a nurse that deals with "fetal demise" that's what we were calling it, the loss of our baby. She talked to us about support groups, what we could expect her to look, all the legal things we needed to do and funeral arrangements. Funeral. Wrapping your head around that - funeral arrangements for your child - is impossible to understand unless you've been there.
I'm going to leave it here for now.
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